| Heira | Created on Tuesday, 17 June 2008 00:05 |
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Full Name: Nakajima Heera Gender: Female Age: Unknown Eyes: Black Hair: Black Birthplace: Wilderness, Buyan territory Birth Season: Spring It is a Chongun's prerogative to always strive to do the right thing. My path's word proclaims that I must, no matter the consequences However, I cannot say that I have always done the right thing, let alone always been a Chongun. Nor can I claim that I always do the right thing. But I write now as an individual, not a Chongun. I write as an exhausted, war-struck woman that engages on a daily struggle to remain stalwart, so many burdens on her back. As a human, I can always strive to do my best, and that has been one of my primary goals in life. I was born in the wild, though I was far from home. I was lost for the longest time, living my life through imitation of others, in particular my father. I couldn't stand it anymore, taking lives for pleasure and the sake of personal strength, nor the seclusion away from the busy town life. I was considered weak by my peers, all well-esteemed members of the barbarian tribe, though I will not deny I am far from strong. I would stray from them around the age of 13-14, though ironically, this had my father's approval, my father being a strong male of the 'pack'. My mother had abandoned us a few years before, and my father, finding himself no longer feeling at home, would leave as well, to never return. I would find myself in the Legion, in the middle of the war against Koguryo and Buya, though in retrospect, it would be a horrid idea. Kija had just opened the gates to the outside world, and it was our job to prevent more innocent citizens from being slaughtered for ten coins in their pocket. I enjoyed this duty, I took pride in it. However, the general at the time was of a manipulative, abusive nature; they had found themselves favoring me, to the point of calling me their child in public, but in private, many blows were given to me, physically and otherwise. I would withstand this for years, until the war was over. It would be down the road in my life that I would recite to myself, "No matter the government, if disaster is the bitter fruit of others' good fortune, how long can such injustice be tolerated? How long we have endured the hypocrisies!" I've since borrowed Taoist philosophies from Lao Tzu as a daily guideline; such helps me cope with some internal issues. In an ironic twist of fate, that same condescending individual was the one to lead me to the path I have been a part of ever since (before I would unfortunately have to cut ties with them, for the survival of my family and myself). However, my placement in this path has never been easy, nor has it necessarily always been pleasant. For many years, it was thought I was going to be a younger version of that aforementioned individual, and the path shunned me in apparent fear of the thought. People did not pay attention to me as a person, but only respected me in anxiety of my former superior officer. These facts would not be revealed to me until later in my life. At this current time, I am a trainer for said path, though I still find myself constantly having to defend my position to my peers, who find me quite illegitimate and liberal. My last words to the person whom tormented me, as a superior officer and supposed foster 'parent' included an apology for not being the ideal daughter, as someone strong enough to withstand the suffering they brought upon me for my own good, to toughen me up. I did nothing to accuse them, though I desperately wanted to; it was my fault for our incompatibility. The reader of this unfortunate tale can already see a theme; I grew up always asking the question 'why did this happen?' From my mother's absence, to why my path would treat me so horribly, to why it would be me whose wine was poisoned one day, my lifeless form sent across the ocean, to why my husband would have me bare his child and leave afterward, answers never came to me easily. Waking up in a loose-boarded crate in a rocking boat along the coast of Ilbon was more than a surprise, and I'm certain my captors thought the poison would keep me under for much longer. The details of my escape can be left to the imagination, but all did not work out well, as I found myself drifting and lost for some time. It would take me 12 years to return to the kingdoms I belonged in. But at least during this period of time, I had the opportunity to learn the languages of said kingdom. Beforehand I could only communicate in broken speech, which amused people to no end. It made me seem more barbaric, people told me. I returned to the kingdoms to find myself erased from history. My rage was uncalled for, as I felt at the time that all I had done was for nothing; I then realized I'd done nothing to be remembered for, only what I was ordered, or what I wanted. I still feel ashamed to this very day for that train of thought. I tended to flee as did people around me, at the first hint of dissatisfaction or suffering, but no longer. Injustice and horrible luck have always been around me. For instance, the man whom I called brother (he was in no way related to me by blood) once had a problem where two personalities lived in his mind, one wanting to kill the other. I made myself responsible, as his defender, to keep himself from harm, so when the volatile personality came to view, I often had to go to physical lengths, most of which ended with some harm on my person. That particular part of the story does have a happy ending, as that alternate persona has long been subdued. However, I was also known to fight on his behalf for his rights in my path, though this would eventually be my undoing. Unfortunately, the man whom I called brother no longer speaks to me, baring a grudge against certain people in my path. It hurts more than a stab to the heart, to see that so many years of being his carrier through the hot sands of life was so discarded, and so easily. I can only be a filter for his voice; I will not use my path's trust against me to win him back into their favor if he does not deserve such. I do not regret the sacrifices I did make for him though, in time, patience, and love. I believe it was the right thing to do, as friend and advocate. I am tired, though far from finished in my duties. Though one probably asks themselves now, what duties does this rambling person exhibit? I have a fantasy of being able to please the people around me, and an even more outrageous dream of always being there to protect them. The people I am a shield for will most likely never realize the anxiety I experience on a regular day basis, not to mention the risks I acknowledge taking on their behalf. I would give the same things to them as I would to my small daughter, which is love, defense, and shelter. For her I would fight off, physically or otherwise, any evil or intrusion. But I will not be like the abusive general I once served under; I will not hold my deeds against those I assist, nor proclaim my excellence upon high. I would not forsake anyone, even if it kills me, and it most likely will. I would not abandon them, as is a recurring subject in my story, and it will take much more time to prove this fact. So what were those answers, as to why everything has happened to me? I can only most humbly explain to the reader that these events have only happened to steer me down the correct path, through trial, and through error of mistakes. The experiences serve to reinforce the steel on my back, and to guide me through what I believe to be the correct livelihood. Signed, Nakajima Heera |
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